Valentines day this year turned out to be far from what I expected. Sitting by the hospital bed beside the one I love I pondered the expectations of this day and relationships as a whole. The idea we get in our head of how it’s supposed to be, how this day is supposed to be and ultimately how our relationships are supposed to be. We believe our problems arise when we don’t reach them when in actual fact it is the expectations that are the problem. So here’s my perspective on breaking relationship expectations.
Every relationship I’ve had I have always compared myself to others and couldn’t help but have social expectations in the back of my mind. It begins by the idea of Prince Charming coming to sweep us off our feet. As we begin dating that notion is swept out from under us as society explains that in actual fact first loves never last. This was closely followed by things like you can never truly experience love until you had your heart broken by someone else first – something to shield our curious heart. Or in an article I read recently you won’t find your ‘soul mate’ until you have been in love three time first to teach you your worth and how to love.
Berlin, Germany.
Then you finally do meet ‘the one’, move in, buy a house, marry, children… The bitter taste of the unspoken relationship timeline is constantly lingering in the questions of those around us… “so when’s the wedding, [grand]children…”?
I know it sounds silly but these expectations have always subliminally echoed in the back of my mind throughout every relationship of my own. Now looking back I see how these ideologies have hindered the way I have loved. The preconceived ideas that my relationships were destined for failure based on those around me. So much pressure and unnecessary tension is placed on ourselves and our partners inadvertently by the idea there is a ‘right way’ for a relationship to be done.
For so long I held walls up to experiencing each part of life because I didn’t want society to be ‘right’ and to experience the shame and apparently inevitable heartbreak.
How wholeheartedly I could have lived and loved had I the courage to be vulnerable to begin with. Here’s what my experiences have taught me:
Budapest, Hungary.
Firstly, just by growing with someone you can experience three different types of loves in the one relationship, with the one partner.
Just because events occurred in another relationship does not mean it is going to work out the same for you. Equally, just because a problem was resolved a particular way for someone else it does not mean that is the [only] way to go for you. The way to approach circumstances differs just as significantly as each individual does.
I learned that the relationship doesn’t have to end for you to experience and move on from heartbreak. You are able to mend and move forward from places far greater than you thought were possible. Heartbreak, for me, was equally a reflection of the relationship I had with myself as it was my relationship with my partner.
And arguably the most important, if you don’t live your life according to society’s constructed path and timeline, you can still be as happy as you’re capable of being.
Earth Core Bush Doof, Pyalong, Victoria.
The second I let go of the potential shame of the relationship not working out, or it being the ‘right one’, was the second I truly became present in the moments and relationship I was in. And just like that the pressure for the future eased however the excitement for the future did not.
Letting go of all social expectations and others’ opinions of my relationships has allowed me to experience the most incredible, wholehearted love and happiness to date.
Luminosity Beach Festival, Holland.
So to those that have completely given themselves to someone and the relationship ended causing you to have your heart broken, take comfort and pride in the fact you had the courage to give all of yourself to someone. Some may say, including myself years ago, that it’s just an easy way to get hurt but I say that without that vulnerability you don’t ever experience true love. So now it’s a risk I’m willing to take.
And finally, one of the most significant lessons and perspectives I have gained is to give myself a break. Growing up and experiencing each individual stage of life is beyond hard let alone adding the inclusion, compromise and understanding of someone else to it. I don’t have my relationship figured out because I don’t even have myself figured out. And that’s completely fine! For me, for now, it’s just about being with someone who helps me become the best and happiest version of myself.
Emotion is fluid, trying to tame and understand love and relationships (particularly at a young age) is about as achievable as catching Niagara Falls with your bare hands. Ultimately, all I want is to be beside someone who is willing to ride the tidal wave of emotion when I fall and one that makes all my cells want to dance when it rains. The rest will work itself out how it’s supposed to.
Luminosity Beach Festival, Holland.